Misgivings, Regrets, Guilt… And A New Beginning
by Sylphion
Summary: He was alive for a thirteen year old boy’s childhood crush… but which thirteen year old boy? [Post Kakashi Gaiden, KakashixRin. Rated for blood, possible violence, dark thoughts, and swearing.] Incomplete. On Hold.
1. Coming To Terms

Author's Notes: A sequel to Kakashi Gaiden. Beware OCC-ness: I've been told Kakashi is a lot darker than he normally is. Expect sporadic, random updates; my muses don't like cooperating lately...

_Anyway, a note for fans of "A Warriors Secret Heart" (Just incase): … PLEASE don't kill me for not updating that fic; I will, I promise… I'm just having a bit of trouble getting around to it…_

--- / -- \\\\ ---

**Chapter 1**

Rin had been standing in the field for a long time. A very long time. Ever since Kakashi woke up in fact, which was several hours ago.

Kakashi silently watched her from the boulder. He hadn't moved either.

Sensei had gone off on some errand or other shortly after Kakashi had assured him that he was fine.

It had been almost noon when sensei left; it was now well into the night. The already weak starlight dimmed perceptibly, and Kakashi looked to the night sky… but instead only saw a flat, grey ceiling of dark storm clouds.

A chill wind blew, a stark contrast to the warm day it had been a few short hours ago.

Kakashi eyed the menacing storm warily; it looked rather severe, and Kakashi could smell the moisture that permeated air, and felt the electricity surround him.

Glancing at Rin in the field, Kakashi worried that she wasn't noticing.

His worries were well founded.

---- 

Rin was still confused about everything that had happened today… or was it yesterday? Maybe a week ago? Or was it a life time? Rin's sense of time seemed to be alarmingly off, though she ranked that near the bottom of her list of pressing concerns.

And right at the top of said list, was figuring out just what the hell was going on, anymore.

--

_It had happened so fast: the Hidden Rock ninjas captured her, and put her under the interrogation genjutsu (art of illusion). The next thing she knew, Kakashi and Obito were standing in front of her, asking her if she was alright. She'd stared at them a moment, trying to erase the horrible images from her mind, not sure if this was more of the Rock-nin's (Rock Ninja) torture. The last, now-wounded Rocknin stood in the entrance to the cave that Rin had been taken to, to be interrogated. Before Rin could figure out what was happening, Kakashi was yelling for them to get out, fast. His panicked voice spurred her into motion; more from the shock of actually hearing him have emotion in his voice, than his words.  
When Kakashi grabbed her and tugged to get her moving, Rin stumbled into action, running after Kakashi and Obito. Boulders were falling all around them, the cave was collapsing, but it looked like that would make it out… then suddenly Kakashi disappeared from her side. Rin spun on her heel, looking for him. She saw him falling, eyes shut._

"_KAKASHI!" _

_All she could do was scream his name._

_Obito was suddenly there, trying to drag Kakashi along, but he wasn't going to make it…_

--

"Rin…"

Rin started, and whirled on the quiet, familiar monotone voice.

Surprised that Kakashi would interrupt her, since was someone who valued seclusion and aloofness more than anyone she'd ever know, Rin just looked at him in mild surprise.

"Rin, it's raining. You'll catch cold if you stay out here…" Kakashi stated in his quiet way, after a moment of watching her with his usual half-lidded eyes.

Or, really, eye; he'd pulled his hitae-ite over his left eye… Obito's eye…

Not for the first time, Rin wondered what went on behind those carefully guarded hazel orbs.

Rin was far too caught up in her own thoughts to form any kind of answer, and Kakashi seemed to realize this. He carefully guided her firmly yet gently by the shoulder into the tree line, where they would be at least a little dryer than standing out in an open field with an outright deluge. She found it incredible that she hadn't realized the freezing downpour she had been standing in.

Once in the trees, Kakashi left Rin to her own devices, though gave her a sidelong glance as he moved away, something one might interpret as worry or concern… though with Kakashi, just about everything was open to interpretation. Unconsciously, without thinking, Rin read into the look: he was concerned about what had happened, and how it was affecting her; he was wondering if sensei would be back anytime soon; he was wondering what they would have for dinner, since sensei had the backpack with all the food. Rin sometimes hated it that he could take all those thoughts and put it into a single glance. What she sometimes hated more, was that she understood him so well.

All she wanted to do was not _think_. Not remember. To stop replaying it over and over, an infinite loop, in her mind.

As seemed to be the usual, Rin did not get what she wanted.

… _Obito, at the last possible instant, heaved Kakashi up and threw him out of the path of the huge boulder that was falling just over their heads. The cave fully collapsed spectacularly._

_Rin hit her head as she pitched forward from the shockwave of so many tons of rock impacting the ground, and was dazed for several seconds._

"_Are… you ok…? Rin… Kakashi…"_

_That was Obito… but why was his voice so pain-wracked and strained?_

_Rin turned to look behind her the same time as Kakashi._

_Obito lay half crushed by the cave-in, his right side completely buried by boulders and rubble._

"_Obito!"_

_Kakashi rushed to where Obito was, and started to strain to lift the massive rock off him._

_He made little progress._

"_Shit!" Kakashi swore, frustration clear, for once, in his voice._

"_That's enough… it's ok… Kakashi. It's looks like it's over… for me… the right side of my body is almost smashed… there's no feeling in it…" He said in his now-hacking voice. Kakashi gave up his impossible task of freeing Obito._

_Rin was in shock; Obito was dying… no, he was dead; it just wasn't official yet…_

_Obito coughed up blood, and Kakashi slammed his fist into the ground, swearing._

"_From the beginning, if I'd gone along with what you said and went with you to rescue Rin… something like this wouldn't have happened!"_

_Rin could feel his anger rising, but for once it wasn't directed at Obito; it was directed at himself._

"_What kind of commander…! What kind of Jounin…!"_

_Rin watched, her mind near numb: Obito was dying, and Kakashi was finally breaking._

"_Hey… no… forget it…" Obito said, grinning slightly._

_Rin couldn't figure out why Obito was suddenly grinning._

"_I'm… the only one… who… didn't give you… a present at your… Jounin celebration, right… Kakashi…" Obito said, obviously having trouble not only speaking, but gathering his thoughts._

_Kakashi looked at him with his usual expressionless face, unable to reply._

"_I… was thinking… what would be good… and now, I've got it… Don't worry, it's… not useless baggage… it's… this Sharingan of mine…"_

---

Kakashi knew Rin well enough to recognize when she fell asleep. Though she'd had her eyes closed for a long time, she hadn't been asleep. Maybe trying to act it, but he knew better. Glancing around, forever paranoid, Kakashi dropped down from the tree he was using as a makeshift bed. Silently, Kakashi moved along the mostly bare ground to stand in front of Rin.

She was shifting a lot, and her face was troubled. Even troubled, she inspired a kind of peacefulness… For Kakashi, at least. He didn't know about anyone else.

…_to think I was going to leave her… Trash, indeed._ Kakashi contemplated scathingly. He felt his self-loathing rise another notch.

_At least Obito left me his last wish… _Obito's last words to him replayed in Kakashi's mind: **_Kakashi… take care… of Rin…_**

He closed his visible eye, and nodded slightly to himself.

_I won't fail._


	2. Vows

**Chapter 2**

It stopped raining soon after Rin fell asleep, though the chilly night air remained. After careful consideration, Kakashi finally worked up the nerve to sneak Rin's blanket out of her backpack and wrap it around her as stealthily as he could. Rin did not stir once, a testament that Kakashi really did deserve his Jounin rank.

Half way through his self-imposed night watch, sensei returned, looking worse for wear. Kakashi didn't ask where he'd been; his battered and exhaustive state was enough of an answer.

Rather than have sensei tell him to get some sleep, Kakashi retreated to the lower braches of the tree, and just sat there. Rin wasn't the only one reliving recent events.

Even Kakashi, the best of the best at repressing memories and emotions was not having any luck in forgetting their latest mission… Obito's last mission…

Kakashi slammed his fist into the truck of the tree he was sitting in.

Kakashi could feel his emotions running rampant under his carefully constructed exterior.

_Idiot. Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot… _Kakashi silently and savagely berated himself, each 'idiot' accompanied by a hand-numbing punch to the tree.

_Stop it. Stop it _**right now**_Of course he's dead; they all die, don't they? You're shaming yourself; what kind of weakling shinobi feels this? You want to end up like Sakumo? They'll hate you. They'll hate you like you hate yourself... even Rin and sensei, and Obito too, from… wherever he is…_

Kakashi closed his eye. Best not think about where Obito was…

_He killed others. So, where else would he end up but-_

Kakashi decided to stop thinking at that point. Really, what good were thoughts, anyway? A tool didn't need to think, and that's just what Kakashi aspired to be: an emotionless, efficient killing machine. That was his dream. To follow his father, and then keep going where Sakumo stopped, to take the right fork where Sakumo took the left…. And he'd already failed. There was still a chance they could complete the mission, tomorrow… but Kakashi had already had his moment of weakness.

_How can I still be here, now, alive? I was weak, undisciplined, a disgrace… so _why_ am I still alive?_

Kakashi's gaze swept the forest, and, much to his chagrin, settled on Rin.

------------------ ------ - ---------

A few short and restless hours later, Kakashi was given the chance to complete his mission; destroy the bridge supplying the Rock-nins. He finished it in a rush, for once eager to put all this behind him, move on.

Things weren't going to be so easy, though. Some things you can't let go, no matter how hard you try, even if it's your fondest wish to let the past be the past, and bury it.

---

The trip back to Konoha was empty; only endless plains with the forest looming ahead of them.

Three days into the trip back, and very close to Konoha, Kakashi trailed behind his sensei and Rin, the latter shooting him unmasked looks of concern every couple minutes. Kakashi pointedly ignored them; he knew he was sluggish and more than a bit slow today, it had been getting worse every day, but what did they expect? For him to be able to sleep? He had plenty of time to sleep when he was dead… and considering his occupation, he expected it wouldn't be too long before he caught up on his foregone sleep and then some.

Soon enough, though, little growls of annoyance accompanied Rin's pointed looks. Kakashi, in turn, pointedly ignored her. He didn't want to explain his obvious lack of sleep; Too much trouble to think of an excuse anyway. What would he say, anyway? 'I was kept awake by my guilt about Obito'? It was too lame for words, in Kakashi's opinion. Better to just let Rin keep throwing him looks than to say anything...

Inevitably, sensei made them stop to rest under a small stand of shady trees, and Rin pounced.

She shrugged off her pack, rotated her arms a bit, and then turned on Kakashi with a glare.

Kakashi stared at her without any visible emotion.

Rin's glare grew a notch more heated, and her hands were planted on her hips.

"What?"

Kakashi's voice was monotone, and his eye, the only part of his face visible, was half-lidded with lethargy.

Rin didn't bother answering, just huffed and turned around, as if saying 'if you don't know, why should I bother telling you?'. Kakashi was amazed; it looked like he was going to get off scotch-free…

"Get some freaking sleep, Kakashi." She said in a low voice. Well, ordered would be more accurate.

That said, Rin went to sensei, exchanged a few words, and sat under a tree, arms folded behind her head.

Kakashi stared. Did she just, basically, tell him off? Did sweet, innocent, ever gentle _Rin _just tell him off? And with a hint of actual _anger, _too? Kakashi was stunned. From her spot under the tree, Rin opened one eye and shot him a _look._

_Maybe… this one time… I should listen to her…_

Kakashi thought and, fortunately for him, decided to give sleep a chance.

--

_What the hell is his problem!_ Rin asked herself, extremely frustrated with her teammate.

After the second day, Kakashi's lack of sleep was all too obvious, especially to Rin who'd had to put up with this kind of thing before.

Last time, though, Obito had been around to knock some sense into Kakashi... with a rock… a big rock…

Frankly, Rin didn't think she could bring herself to actually hit Kakashi over the head with something… but Obito always had been the one to get stuff done when it came to Kakashi. Looking back, Rin realized that every time something happened with just one of them, it was Obito who came to the rescue. Though, when ever something happened between more than one of them (usually Obito and Kakashi) it was Rin who stepped in. Well, tried to step in. She may have wanted them to get along together well enough, but wasn't insane enough to actually _get between_ them… who knows what would happen?

Rin shook her head slightly, frowning at her random thoughts; Obito wasn't around to fix the others any more; it was her job now…

_I won't fail… _Rin vowed.


End file.
